I’m fat. I know it. Most fat people do - especially if they’re kids. We don’t want to be fat, and we struggle with how we got that way and how to change our lives. We aren’t usually loved or wanted because we don’t fit the model for “cool” or “fun” and we don’t feel good being out in public or hanging out with other people. That fuels the comfort food, which in turn fuels the weight gain. It sucks.

In recent months I’ve learned what many people don’t realize about food - that it’s not about the calories. Weight loss is simple. Eat fewer calories than you burn. It’s simple math. But there’s nothing simple about the cravings or the decisions we make regarding the food we eat.

Fat is about our feelings. We eat for the same reason most people drink, do drugs or become sex addicts. It numbs our pain, and it helps us cope with the feelings that we’re unworthy or selfish for thinking about ourselves first. The selfish guilt trip is usually childhood, bad parenting crap exacerbated by people who like having doormats around to wipe their feet on. But that’s another post. The thing about fat is it doesn’t matter how we got there/here.

What matters is that we understand that it’s okay to be selfish, to set boundaries, and to put ourselves first. We’re here because we’re in pain. We can escape that pain and lose the weight by understanding that “being selfish” is not a bad thing. “Selfish” is a continuum of behavior. At one end is the selfish person who never or rarely considers anyone else’s feelings, needs or world. At the other end of the spectrum is the person who never or rarely considers their own needs. Somewhere along that spectrum most people find a degree of happiness and friends. At both extreme ends people find misery. At the far dark end they find loneliness and depression. They also find a high turnover rate of people who quickly learn that they are takers and users and leave them - leading them to believe “people can’t be trusted,” or that “people hurt you,” when it fact it is their extreme selfishness and lack of boundaries to blame.

At the other end of the “selfish” spectrum where people give away everything for fear that putting themselves first in anything is “selfish,” there is burnout. People learn that their life force and resources is being depleted faster than the American economy. They bounce from relationship to relationship hoping to find someone that will honor and respect them - when they can’t honor and respect themselves. If they don’t know how they want to be treated -how can they expect others to? Even if people at both ends find each other, neither is ever healthy in the relationship and eventually it will fall apart.

It’s like the old college “friend” I once took to dinner at a nice restaurant to celebrate my sale of an article to a major magazine back in my days of NEVER putting myself first. I spent the equivalent of a car payment on for dinner and drinks - not for me, but to show that I was generous and thinking of others even when good things were happening to me. I even picked up the tip. On the way home we stopped at a convenience store for gas, and she asked if I wanted a drink. I said, “Yeah, a bottle of water.” When she came back out she said, “You owe me a dollar plus tax,” and held her hand out. I had just dropped $120 on dinner, drinks and a tip for the two of us. She wanted a dollar for a bottle of water. It summed up our *friendship.* I don’t know why it took so long - but the light bulb went on. I couldn’t articulate what happened, but I knew I no longer wanted to be her “friend.”

It was the last time I did anything with her or for her. She just never got the whole reciprocity thing. In our entire friendship she never initiated a gift (or gave one when others did.) When co-workers had babies she never send a card, let alone a gift. She didn’t understand that that was what you did when you were friends. She never took people to dinner - even after they had taken her countless times. She counted pennies and resented me for ordering more expensive items on the menu than she did. Hey, if she wants to deny herself steak and eat burgers, that’s her choice. I’m sure if I could have afforded to buy her meals - even if it meant financial hit for me, I would have. I look back now and am glad I rarely had enough for myself then.

(For those who wonder about her ability to pay, she was a trust fund baby and kept more in her checking account than I earned in the last five years of my life). She wasn’t poor. She was, in my eyes - just very selfish - not for that one time, but for years of never reciprocating, never giving her time, energy or resources (unless she thought it would keep me from leaving the friendship). She even denied herself - living like a beggar when she could afford a healthy yet non-extravagant lifestyle. When I stopped being a never ending supply of help, advice and free meals, she was no longer interested in me and certainly not interested in pursuing a healthy friendship.

Several years ago I started really focusing on boundaries and value and self image. I’ve been writing about it a lot lately as many of you know. I share that difficult journey in hopes it helps others. I know it can and it will. Why? Because reading about other people’s stories inspires us. Because I got a newsletter today from the director of a man who runs a summer camp for overweight children, and it struck a chord with me. As I child (a skinny child) I have done EVERY SINGLE THING he describes in this letter. My lack of self-esteem hadn’t caught up with me yet, and I was very physically active and didn’t weigh more than 20 pounds over my ideal weight until I was 30. Some people with low self-esteem drink. Others drug. I eat. Anyway, Ira writes:

Many overweight children and adults are willing to support others and help them through any problems they may have, while receiving nothing in return. I’ve heard such painful stories from campers; here are a few:

“Jill helps Mary pick out a new dress after shopping at many store, all for a party that Jill was not even invited to.”

“Barry does Bill’s homework numerous times, even though Bill never invites Barry to hang out with his friends.”

“Maureen makes sure the gym is decorated to the max, even though she does not have a date and will be pouring punch all night.”

Positive changes only begin to occur when campers and adults understand their own needs must come first:

“Mom and Dad, the foods you’re eating are making it difficult for me. If you can’t help me I may need to eat by myself.”

“I can’t help you tonight; I’m going on a walk with my friend, Alice.”

“When you are also willing to give your all to help me and expect nothing in return; that is when we can start to be true friends.”

Standing up for oneself is difficult! Being in a nurturing, supportive environment where everyone is accepted unconditionally is the stepping stone to learning how to “Be Selfish” in a positive manner.

Wow. We forget our patterns of denying ourselves starts in childhood. We forget that society is not going to try to stop us or pass laws to make us quit indulging our addiction to being loved. If you’re fat - it’s like wearing a big soft sign that says ‘Use and abuse me.” It’s like everyone on earth knows somehow that if you’re fat you don’t feel good about yourself and you don’t have good boundaries. Users in particular like people who fear they’re being selfish. They’re easy to manipulate, easier to use. We can’t change the user, but we can avoid them, cut them out of our lives and stop interacting with them. It’s called being positively selfish and it’s a good thing. It’s just good boundaries.

If you had good boundaries you wouldn’t need to eat compulsively because you can’t say no, or can’t stand up for yourself. Instead of stuffing your feelings you can express them. You can say, “You know, when you use that tone of voice and criticize me it hurts my feelings. I can take honest criticism given in a loving way for my benefit. That’s not what you did. So, if you can be respectful, I’m willing to listen to what you have to say. If you can’t be respectful you need to go find a pole and stick it where the sun don’t shine and spin on it.”(Welcome to the process of learning how to be appropriate).

If you had good boundaries you wouldn’t be tolerating being abused or used. If you’re struggling with being selfish because you can’t give yourself permission to put yourself first - you have MY permission. Be selfish. You won’t get it right the first few times. And you’ll be abrupt, awkward and feel horrible guilt - at first. That’s normal. That’s how we learn. But then you’ll catch on to how it’s done and you’ll start to love saying no. You’ll love thinking about whether something works for you or feels good or benefits you in someway before you agree to help. Other people get to think about themselves first. Why shouldn’t you? YOU have a right to feel good. YOU have a right to say no. YOU have a right to be selfish. YOU have a right to make mistakes and to get up and try again. The losers around you who are using you now won’t like it…not because they don’t like you. They’ve never liked you. They’re using you. You give them all they want without expecting or demanding anything in return. They’re USERS. Pigs. Selfish in an unhealthy, unflattering, unhelpful way.

Having good boundaries is not selfish. Having good boundaries is being responsible to yourself for yourself. You can do it. Really. You can.