“To be bitter is never a good thing; not even in chocolate.”

~ Julian Antonio

Bitter and angry people actually choose to be that way. That’s my conclusion, and the conclusion of most therapists and counselor’s too. Who we are and how we view life is a choice. To be a victim is to invite life to dump on you. To be a survivor is to get through what life dumps on you. To thrive is to turn what life dumps on you into a feast.

I was talking to a friend the other day about being homeless. I was laughing about a lot of the really horrible things that happened and telling him what I learned from the whole experience. I was raving about the gratitude I feel every time I take a shower, or get up in the middle of the night and use a real toilet, or open a cold refrigerator for ice. More than anything else my year and a half being homeless taught me was gratitude. It’s nice. It makes the small favors I get every day so much richer. He listened for a moment and then asked me why I wasn’t bitter about my homeless experience. It kind of took me aback. “Bitter?”

“Yeah,” he said. “A lot of the men and the women I work with at (homeless shelter) are really bitter and I think they’ve got it pretty good. It’s not great, but it’s better than you had it. I want to know why they’re bitter - you’re not,” he said.

I said, “Hang on, let me get the exact definition of bitter and I’ll call you right back.” So I got on line and found out what places on the internet say bitter is:

“Bitter people are those who cannot get past the disappointments of their life. They dwell on them, hug them to their chest and make them the defining factor of their lives”

Or

“They lack gratefulness, are very self centered. When something good would happen to someone they were always so cynical, could never be happy for others. I just took it as envy and jealousy..these two emotions have been around since Cain. Dangerous.”

Or

“The angry person is seeking love and acceptance, but often they are so filled with anger, bitterness, strife, and jealously that love simply has no room in their heart.”

I called my friend back and said, “I’m not bitter because I learned from my experience and I let the bad stuff go…”

The truth is I’ve had a horrible life in terms of what others have done to me, and what has happened to me. Yes, I get angry, but I don’t hold onto the anger. I eventually forgive and forget, let it go and move on. I certainly remember the deed and the person, but I learn from the encounter and avoid them so nothing else happens. I’ve learned that hanging onto the past, reliving it, resenting it, blaming everyone and everything you come in contact with because you’re miserable only makes it harder to move into the future where good things are waiting - if you let them. It also chases away the very people who could help you find good things and want to help.

After we talked I spent the evening looking back at some things, and some people I met on the streets. And I have to say that of the people I knew who were most likely to continue to be chronically homeless, bitterness characterized them most. Even when people reached out to help they responded with bitterness and anger and resentment. They wanted help but there’s not enough help in the world to drown the anger festering in them. So people stop trying to help, which makes them angrier. I wrote them off as mentally ill. There’s no other word to describe someone who deliberately chooses to be miserable in spite of people around them willing to help, to show them a way out, or to listen. They tend to be paranoid -something which forms as a result of their bitterness and people’s reactions to them.

They may occasionally do a “good deed,” for someone - like share a bottle of water, or a sandwich, but the recipient can never be grateful enough, or return the favor in the right way at the right time - so they become even more angry, more resentful. It’s like they turn into bitterness magnets - attracting bad things, bad people and bad experiences to them. They are throwing gasoline on a fire and wondering why it never goes out.

So David, this is my take on what you’re seeing.

People become bitter. They aren’t born that way. Chances are the people you’re working with - the chronically homeless, the homeless by choice, are homeless BECAUSE they are bitter. It’s not something being homeless did to them. They were probably bitter before they became homeless. They probably lost jobs, lost friends, never connected, never recognized - let alone were able to take advantage of opportunities that came their way because they were so busy resenting the world and everyone and everything in it that they can’t see goodness when it bites them on the ass. I’d wager money on the fact they were bitter before they were homeless and their bitterness contributed to their homelessness.

Bitterness is a choice. They will tell you otherwise, but bitter people fail to take responsibility for their life, their choices, their thoughts, or anything that tells them they did something wrong or unwise. When you can’t admit you’re a big part of your own problems you’re not likely to change. So, as long as bitter people continue to keep choosing bitterness they will continue to be bitter.

A lot of happiness in life comes from having a belief in something - a belief that there is a plan, that God loves us, that better things will happen to us. Bitter people have no faith. They are certain that they’re the only ones in the world that bad things happen to. They’re very selfish that way. They even resent it when something bad happens to someone else because they’re so bitter they get jealous when someone else gets a rash of crap too! Strange, but true. Or, they secretly leap for joy at the misery and suffering of others.

Either way, bitter people have a sickness in their souls and I feel deeply, deeply, deeply sorry for them. The only way out of their miserable little worlds is through themselves - through a change of heart, a change of perspective and a change of thought, word and deed. They are the only ones who can decide to drop their resentment, their anger and their wounds and walk away from their pain.

David, keep being the loving, understanding and kind person you are - and hope that God works in them. Other than that? Re-enforce and love the ones who do see life has gifts and that clouds have silver linings. They need love and attention too.