If you were raised to believe you weren’t “good enough,” as I was, then you probably have a hard time taking risks that may confirm to the whole world that what they thought about you was/is true - that you’re not good enough.

In my life I have rappelled off buildings, cliffs and towers and once out of a helicopter. I have been a raft guide and kayaked rivers that are deadly and that have literally killed dozens. I’ve hiked the Appalachian trail through three states by myself. I’ve lived in a van for a year and a half. I’ve handled rattlesnakes, lived in the inner city, been shot at, beaten up, and risked my life in more ways than I can count. Yet the fear around doing those things pales when compared to “not being good enough.” Odd isn’t it? So in my on-going quest of self-discovery I started looking at the huge shadow this small thing called “approval” and “being good enough” casts. And I asked myself, ” Just who exactly am I not good enough for? Who is it I need to please? Whose approval do I need to have to feel confident?” Answer: My father. But he’s dead now and I never respected or wanted to be who he wanted me to be to begin with. My mother? She is in a nursing home with dementia and doesn’t even remember me. I felt the same about her standards - that they were superficial, shallow and dishonorable - based only on projecting an image, not on being real.

So who else do I need to please? Friends? They like me for who I am. Clients? After all, they are paying me to perform work for them. But - it’s my WORK, not ME they need to be happy with. My work needs to be acceptable, or good enough. That’s reasonable. And part of achieving that is finding and working with reasonable clients who share the same criteria I do for “good work.” But I haven’t done that. So I get dysfunctional people with unreasonable, unhealthy demands (like my father) who keep me feeling inadequate and not good enough. I don’t need that. But I’m the one who puts myself into those situations and relationships. I can take myself out of them.

In my quest for strong mental and emotional health I’ve learned several ways to quench the fear of not being good enough. Here’s what I’ve learned:

Differentiate between being a “good enough person” and having a “good enough skill.”

I once took a painting class that was advertised “for intermediate painters.” I had had a couple of college classes and considered myself more than a beginner, but not an expert. Yet - when I got into the class I soon learned I was in way over my head. I limped along and learned a lot, but felt inadequate for the whole semester. I wasn’t good enough - based on the standards set by the level of skill of the other participants. I was good enough to be a painter who enjoyed painting, but not good enough to keep up with the others in the class. It wasn’t ME who wasn’t good enough however - it was my skill. Big distinction. What I remember about the class is that the other students considered ME not good enough. They didn’t distinguish between my painting skills being “good enough” and me being good enough. I had better writing, social and athletic skills than all of them combined. Yet they treated me as though I were sub-human based solely on my rough painting ability. They equated MY value with my painting ability and I soon began to do the same. That’s not healthy.

This is what happens in high school. Jocks look down on geeks, cheerleaders look down on everyone, and so on based on one’s ability to perform to standards for that group. We begin then to equate “being good enough” with what a certain group of people considers “good enough.” We value the skills and abilities the group holds - but devalue all other skills and abilities.

The problem then is that these groups are equating the ability or inability to demonstrate a skill or expertise as being the ONLY criteria for being good enough. Where does that come from? From adults. Who learned it when they were in school. We learn to value only a skill rather than appreciate the entire person. You’ll see it on sports teams when someone is injured. Once they are no longer able to provide value (skill) to the group, they are abandoned. Sure, maybe a friend or two who does value them for who they are will stick close, but in general once your ability or skill is gone - you are no longer good enough. I remember when I was coaching 12-year-old boy’s basketball and a parent asked me why I let someone play as much as I did when they obviously “weren’t good enough.” I explained that the child was well-liked and an inspiration to their team mates for other reasons. My goal for the team was that they “had fun,” (their goal as well). Achieving that goal meant they all played regardless of the score. We went from last in the league to tied for first. Having fun, feeling valued and important obviously worked. We won most improved team of the year - voted on by the rest of the teams in the league. And I hope that those boys remember they were all valued for who they were, not how they played.

If you really want to feel good about yourself, find groups or friends who value you for who YOU are as a sum total, who value you for more than your skill, ability or intellect. If you can find friends who appreciate you for who your as an entire person - your values, sense of humor, insights, beliefs, appearance, job, whatever, then you can begin to feel “good enough” because you are valued for who you are. Ultimately that’s what matters.

Identify what “good enough” means to any group you want to belong to:

When I joined ROTC, and then later the men’s crew team in college (there wasn’t a women’s team), being “good enough” was based on a level of performance. They didn’t expect a woman to do as well as even the worst man, but I exceeded expectations and performance standards set for the men. I was in the middle of the pack. I was “good enough” because I could march, shoot, row or perform to par based on a set of easily identifiable standards. I was valued because I met the standards. Part of the fear of not being good enough comes from not knowing what the standards or criteria are that we’re expected to meet.

Decide what “they” have that you want:

I was once (just once) invited to the home of a classmate when I was in high school. Her family was extremely wealthy. They dressed for dinner, used three and four forks at every meal, were always immaculately groomed and presented the picture perfect family to the world. I never saw any of them sweat, yell or get really excited. They were boring. I didn’t like them, didn’t want to be them and was relieved when I didn’t “pass muster” and earn a “place” in their social circle. I’ve never looked back. To have been part of their lives would have been torturous to me. “Being good enough” for them was never a problem for me because they didn’t have anything I wanted. I didn’t care if I was good enough for them because their values were not my values.

Determine what YOU need and want out of every interaction and focus on that.

Part of the problem of the fear of “not being good enough” is we enter a class, or group, or task or relationship knowing what we want, but then lose track of that knowing somewhere along the way. We fall victim to another’s belief about what good enough is. We begin to confuse ability with personality or self-worth. We are swayed by someone else’s standards of “good enough.” Once that happens we start down the long dark path of believing we “aren’t good enough” based on someone else’s criteria or needs.

I recently stopped trying to be friends with someone I met online. Initially we hit it off really well. But as the diversity of our interests became known instead of being appreciative or curious, she became increasingly critical of me. I was confused and tied myself in knots to “be good enough,” so I would be a desirable friend. But then someone else who knew us both pointed out that her criticism of me came from her own fears of not being good enough herself. I was being a good friend and doing supportive good friend things based on MY standards of what a good friend is. But this was a person who had other criteria for what a good friend should be. The problem was I let her criteria for friendship become more important to me than my own. Rather than acknowledge that we were round pegs and square holes I tried to fit into the square hole and feel comfortable with it. It was painful to acknowledge we weren’t a fit, but once I was clear of the friendship I felt so much better. It was like a really dark cloud had lifted and I was free to feel good about what kind of friend I truly am. I don’t think either of us was better than or worse than. We were just different than.

When you clearly know what you want and need you can stick with it and remind yourself that your criteria matter most when forces and people try to sway you to different standards. You are free to change your standards IF that is in your best interest, based on your unpressured decision. Being clear about your value to yourself, about your needs, about your boundaries and about what you want out of an interaction will all but eliminate the fear of not being good enough. Practice! We are creatures of habit and for most of us the neural grooves that say, ” You’re not good enough,” are deeply etched into our brains. It’s only with practice we can smooth them out and create new pathways.

Remember, you ARE good enough!! Believe that!