I don’t think it’s something to be happy about, but in a weird way, I am. When a gunman held a gun to Christina’s head in last season’s final episode of Grey’s Anatomy, she freaked. And this season? She has PTSD from the encounter and is unable to do what she loves more than anything in the world - surgery. I’m not glad she’s in pain and miserable.

I am glad, in an odd way at the turn of events because for the past season she’s been afraid of Owen Hunt, her now husband, then boyfriend who is a doctor who developed PTSD in Iraq. She didn’t understand his panic attacks, his anger, his nightmares and his reluctance to get close to anyone. Now she does. I’m glad that she understands. I’m glad that she can finally understand the devastation PTSD can bring to one’s life. I’m glad that viewers will see too what PTSD is, and how to cope with it. I hope the show’s writers really study and explore the problem and its real life solutions and don’t fall into the “Just suck it up and deal with it!” advice so many clueless morons offer.

I have PTSD. It comes from both experiencing life threatening trauma, and photographing it as a journalist. The fall is my trigger. It’s peak season for me for not feeling safe. It means I don’t get much done. I stay inside, away from people. I either spend a lot of time cleaning, exercising and working an insane schedule in order to exhaust myself so I don’t have nightmares, or I give up from the exhaustion the stress brings, and sleep for 20 hours a day. Medication isn’t an option. Doctors, for the most part, don’t believe in PTSD and see any cry for help as “drug seeking behavior.” May they all rot in hell. Finding a doctor who understands PTSD and is willing to work with you is impossible - and not having medical insurance is a double whammy. Fortunately by the end of November it passes and I get my life back. It’s not nearly as severe as it once was, but it’s still stressful. In my youth I merely climbed on a motorcycle, into a raft, or found some risk-taking behavior to use to burn off the adrenaline and it felt fun - not scary. Now I turn to the treadmill or lifting weights - or sleep.

There’s not much that will trigger my anger in person since I’ve worked so hard to learn to contain and redirect it over the years. However, stupidity on the internet is very likely to draw a scathing comment and written attack from me on a forum, usually in response to a troll. I’m learning not to feed them, but sometimes I forget.

How does a journalist develop PTSD? Well, as a journalist for 23 years I shot most of my own photos. The last year I was in journalism I shot, in a little over a month, about 15 traumatic stories. There were the photos of a family who had all been ejected from a car roll over. The father clung to the feet of his teenage son and screamed “Don’t die,” while a passerby did CPR on a boy whose brains were leaking out of his head. He died. I photographed the scene. There was the elderly couple who burned alive in a late night house fire less than 72 hours after celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary. I sat in the mud in the front yard and held their adult grandson as he sobbed, their bodies less than 50 feet away, under a sheet. Then there was the woman who set herself on fire with kerosene because her boyfriend kicked her out so he could shack up with someone else. She had been a nurse until she hurt her back and couldn’t work anymore. She was alive and her body was still smoking and the flesh was falling off her body as firefighters carried her from the building.

There was a gang shooting in a small park. I arrived to police searching the park with drawn weapons and bodies being loaded into ambulances. Then there was the woman crossing the highway vs car incident. The car won. The bloody evidence and bowels of the victim were evident for about 20 to 30 feet along the asphalt. There are hundreds of such scenes I remember and wish I didn’t…from shoveling brains up with a shovel (thank you rescue squad), to looking for body parts along the track after a train wreck, the shock of violence seeps in in a myriad of ways.

Life is fragile. When we “get it” that there’s not much keeping us here, life gets scary. When I look back at my life as a child and realize how close I came to dying at my parent’s hands I get scared. I don’t believe that people are safe. I know we aren’t. I know a natural disaster, a crazy gunman, an out of control DUI, almost anything really - can take us out in an instant. Maybe it was my short stint as a cop, or on the rescue squad, or as a photojournalist that re-enforced that belief. I don’t know. But it’s in my bones now.

I won’t get into trauma and PTSD and how it happens, what it is or the science of it. What matters is what it does to its victims. One of the most unsettling symptoms of PTSD is anger. People with PTSD get angry because anger is a large part of a survivor’s response to trauma because anger is the “gift” of the dragon brain. It is a core piece of the survival response in human beings. Anger helps us cope with life’s stresses by giving us energy to keep going in the face of trouble or blocks. If a person is traumatized from a young age - before they learn any other coping mechanism - anger is how they respond to everything forever after - unless they learn and practice a different way of coping.

Anger is adrenaline plus a powerful mix of neurotransmitters. Anger is the chemical cocktail our amygdala serves up to fuel us in times of danger. There is a greater need to control your surroundings in order not to feel threatened or in danger again. In environments where that response is needed - it saves our lives. If we leave the environment our outer circumstances change, but our internal ones don’t - not without a conscious effort to change them.

In men anger is often directed outward at others. In women it’s directed inwards - resulting in depression. According to the National Center for PTSD:

“One way of thinking is that high levels of anger are related to a natural survival instinct. When faced with extreme threat, people often respond with anger. Anger can help a person survive by shifting his or her focus. The person focuses all of his or her attention, thought, and action toward survival.

Anger is also a common response to events that seem unfair or in which you have been made a victim. Research shows that anger can be especially common if you have been betrayed by others. This may be most often seen in cases of trauma that involve exploitation or violence.”

Most people don’t deal well with anger in others. They don’t want to see it, hear it, understand it or deal with it. They just want everything and everyone to “be happy.” Unfortunately that attitude makes life worse for someone with PTSD. I watched Grey’s Anatomy last year and felt deep pain for the character of Dr. Owen Hunt, who was a former military surgeon. He struggled with his PTSD and with the confusion and annoyance of his co-workers who didn’t understand it. This season most of the doctors and nurse are suffering from PTSD because of the gunman episode from last year. I’m hoping that the show will reach the millions of people who don’t understand PTSD, or how it affects those of us who suffer from it. It can be cured - in time, with lots of support and understanding.

I’ve worked on my own temper for decades. My tendency to snap at people who I believe are hurting others, or bullying, or doing things that would cause harm has been funneled into sharp written or verbal reactions. I am quick to defend the underdog, verbally attack a bully, or rush to the side of victims. It’s a struggle to remember that most of the people who hurt me can’t hurt me any more. It’s ongoing, but I know there’s hope. If I seem curt, mean or express more anger and outrage at abuse than most from time to time - now you know why. I pray you never encounter anything in life that will cause you to develop PTSD, and I hope you will take time to understand what it means really. It means someone was deeply hurt, is still hurting, and is struggling to find the peace and safety that those around them take for granted.

Some of the things that can cause PTSD:

Rape, combat, watching someone die a violent death, being beaten, sexual abuse, domestic violence, a car crash, a natural disaster, medical procedures, surgery, earthquakes, fire, floods, terrorism, kidnapping, bullying, being mugged or robbed.

You don’t have to experience the event - merely watching or being present can cause many people to develop PTSD. Most people who have it don’t realize they have it. Life just slowly gets really sucky. Friends and family can be a tremendous help if they understand PTSD and if they are patient. For more tips on what you can do and more about PTSD, check out THIS.

It’s not hopeless. Those with PTSD can change with the proper diagnosis and awareness. Learn about it. With love, patience and good communication skills you CAN restore relationships damaged by PTSD, and if you have PTSD? There is DEFINITELY hope.