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Why Charity Isn’t Enough - What it Takes To Really Be a Hero

14 October 2010 Comments

If you think donating money to the Red Cross, dumping off your old, unwanted clothes at the Goodwill, or spooning out turkey and mashed potatoes at the local homeless shelter at Thanksgiving and Christmas is “doing good things” and makes you a “good person,” think again. You’re one of the MILLIONS of people who are just “phoning in” their charity. You have an excess and so you give, thinking you’ve really done something. You haven’t. You’re a fake if you think you’re really a “charitable” person.

The thing is, in a civil, compassionate society you SHOULD be donating blood, giving clothes, volunteering at the homeless shelter, sending money to victims of crime and natural disasters. That’s a given. It is the basic behavior of people who care in an advanced society. I suppose if you’re raised in a society that cheers and puts gold stars by your name on a chart somewhere every time you clean your plate, flush the toilet, get up and go to school or take out the trash, then yeah - you probably do expect the media to gather in your front yard every time you dump your old clothes at the Goodwill or Salvation Army so you don’t have to take them to the landfill or pay to dispose of them, or so you can get a hefty tax deduction for your “charity.”

Compassion, caring, truly making a difference - all that comes from getting involved with PEOPLE and giving when it’s not convenient, when it costs you something, when it’s difficult emotionally, financially, or physically.

I got a tweet from @carselau72 today. Members of the Mentor, Ohio community and Mentor High School are upset at media coverage about four student suicides in four years at Mentor High School. They’re upset the media doesn’t cover “good stuff” they do - like donating money to earthquake victims in Haiti or giving blood. They wonder why the media is calling their high school a “bunch of terrorists.” They tell me the suicides aren’t the bully’s fault - that some of the victims had bad home lives. Yeah. That’s what I’d expect from those who contributed to the bullying by not getting involved.

On Oct. 8 a news story ran that said:

Ohio School Under Scrutiny After Spate of Suicides

MENTOR OHIO (Oct. 8, 2010) - Sladjana Vidovic’s body lay in an open casket, dressed in the sparkly pink dress she had planned to wear to the prom. Days earlier, she had tied one end of a rope around her neck and the other around a bed post before jumping out her bedroom window.

The 16-year-old’s last words, scribbled in English and her native Croatian, told of her daily torment at Mentor High School, where students mocked her accent, taunted her with insults like “Slutty Jana” and threw food at her.

It was the fourth time in little more than two years that a bullied high school student in this small Cleveland suburb on Lake Erie died by his or her own hand - three suicides, one overdose of antidepressants. One was bullied for being gay, another for having a learning disability, another for being a boy who happened to like wearing pink.

Citizens and students from Mentor are upset - not at the suicides, or the bullies, but at the media coverage that is exposing their school and community to the ugly truth that Mentor is phoning in their charity. They’re upset that the media doesn’t write about the “good” stuff they do. This post is in response to that attitude. I’m a journalist - have been for more than 23 years. Here’s a brief lesson in media coverage Mentor, Ohio:

The media writes about things that are OUT OF THE ORDINARY. They write about the remarkable, the unexpected, about people who go far above and beyond what is expected in a civil society. If you literally risk your life running into a burning building to save a child, yeah, you’ll get media attention. If you bake cookies for homeless children at Christmas - not so much - unless it’s a slow news day and the editor needs a Christmas story.

Don’t fool yourself. Just because you give blood, volunteer at a homeless shelter on Thanksgiving or buy a child a toy at Christmas or donate money to any local cause - you are not a hero. You are a responsible human being. If you create a website, recruit therapists, lawyers and counselors and speak to the school board in an ongoing effort to stop bullying, to support victims, to educate peers and parents - THAT is newsworthy. THAT is positive action and a “good” story the media wants to report on. Not doing that? Then you’re not a hero. You don’t get recognition for doing what is expected. That’s life. That’s what it means to be an adult.

You are not a hero if you’re doing what decent human beings do as a matter of course. We should be feeding the poor, clothing the homeless, caring for the sick, praying for our soldiers. We should be standing up to bullies. We should be defending the defenseless. We should be speaking up. We should be objecting to people who abuse others. If you can’t be a decent human being you have no foundation to build being a hero on.

If you want media coverage then do something remarkable. Stop bullying. Institute a zero tolerance policy for bullying. Start collecting money to pay therapists - real ones who have experience counseling bullies, not interns from your local community college who are still playing at being therapists. We’re talking kid’s lives here. Get experts in.

Prosecute the bullies. Pass some laws with real teeth in them. Start a buddy system to HELP students, not ignore them. Whoever called Jana “Slutty Jana” and threw food at her is a sick, demented, sorry, human being with mental health issues. Jana obviously was intelligent, talented and popular. Bullies like to attack those better than they are because they don’t have the brains, talent or heart to be half the person their victim is.

Mentor High School? Mentor Ohio? This is a wake-up call. Are you going to continue to “See no evil”? Or, are you going to respond and take action, apologize for your lack of actions and compassion? Or are you going to be in the news again for your annual suicide?

stop

And also if you are SO SURE of the parents winning the case in court how about think about this...? They started suing 3 and a half years ago.

My sister was in Mentor Top 25 (showchoir) and was dance partners with the boy who took his own life. It's like the world stood still when it happened.

Many people in the music program who were friends with him were upset. Most of his closest friends came from the arts. And what I want to let the people suing know is that, if they win, and Mentor loses 20 million dollars, the first thing that will happen will be cutting of budget for the arts. The arts (showchoir, drama, choir, marching band) are activites where so many people make friends, and find stress relieving. We may not all be the coolest kids, but we find friends who love the same things as us, and if that is taken away, then thats another thing that will make many people feel like they wont fit in at Mentor.
I think they should think before asking for so much money, that will in the end, never bring their child back.

I don't know if those children who laughed at her wake were jailed or punished, but they were definitely shunned. I recall people talking about the main bullies of one of the kids and how much everyone hated them now and thought they were scum. Those kids weren't just patted on the back and with the message of "thats ok youll get them next time" I know there was counseling and they were never viewed the same way ever again.

beckyblanton

Lawsuits, particularly ones like this, drag out for years. I'll be surprised if it's settled in ten years. Has it occurred to you that they don't want the money? People who suffer this level of pain and pursue a lawsuit do so because they want to be HEARD. I can see why they're suing. No one commenting on this post or my responses is hearing anything I'm saying. You're all so consumed with defending yourselves. STOP. Put yourselves, and I mean REALLY put yourselves in the parents shoes. What would YOU do? Don't just keep harping on the same old defense. BE the parents. THINK about your dead child, about a school system that DID NOT listen, that did not act. Seriously. What would you do?

They have every right to ask for, and receive that money. Who's to say they won't use it for the arts and their own program? Actions have consequences. When people do not intervene or speak out when a bully is bullying, then things happen. Consequences suck. But a school system that didn't expel or punish the bullies is simply having to pay the price of their actions.

Mentor Mom

Did you know that the Mentor schools have anti-bullying programming in place at every grade level? That every student at Mentor high school must take anti-bullying and suicide prevention instruction as part of a class called "Success is Cardinal?" That there is a student anti-bullying group called CARDS (Caring and Respect Determine Success)? That there is a student group called GATAH (Give a Hand, Take a Hand) that works on suicide prevention? That there is a Pride club where gay and questioning students can find support?

Depression and the use of antidepressants in teens are associated with an increased risk of suicide. According to the New England Journal of Medicine, a person who lives in a home with a gun is five times more likely to die of suicide than a person who lives in a gun-free home. These are the facts that would have been reported in a well-researched article.

The Mentor Schools take bullying seriously. I can give several examples of cases in which a teacher or counselor observed one of my kids being upset in an interaction with another child and that adult intervened and made it clear that it is unacceptable to treat others disrespectfully. But no school can police every word every student says every minute of every day. Recognizing the shortcomings of the media coverage of this situation does not mean that we don't mourn the deaths of teens who were in so much pain that they took their own lives.

beckyblanton

That's great! I look forward to seeing how much of it really sunk in. Judging by the reactions to my blog, it hasn't. No one has answered my question. Were the students involved in the bullying ever punished? No. They showed up at a funeral of a dead classmate to laugh. Has anyone taken up donations for the families suing the school system? Did anyone go by to check on them after the funeral? Or when their child would have been graduating? Did anyone from your Mentor anti-bullying campaign invite the families to Thanksgiving dinner or send them condolence cards on the first anniversary of their child's death? Did the school ever apologize? Did any teachers go by their home with their child's papers, or to talk to the parents about what it meant to have their (dead) child in their class? Did they? No. You all acted after the fact. That's commendable, but the fact is, those families are having to SUE you and the school district to get relief/peace. Obviously no one has thought much about them.

You say the school can't police every word every student says, but you expect the media to be everywhere? I doubt the school has made an apology. You want to get on the front page? Make a huge banner with the word, "We're sorry." Have every student wear a t-shirt that says, "I'm sorry." Have a parade. Have a potluck. Have speakers. Invite the community. Admit the school dropped the ball. When the victim's parents have been respected and honored and heard ( which they haven't or they wouldn't be suing) THEN you can talk about your programs. Until you honor, hear and respect their losses by acknowledging and accepting fault your school system will never truly change.

Mentor Alum

What is wrong with you Becky Blanton. You sicken me. You claim that bullying is a bad thing yet you single out a concerned citizen for defending the city in which he lives. All i can say is wow! Singling out a person you don't even know and accusing him to be the reason/example for which these students have committed suicide. What gives you the right to single out this individual? SHAME ON YOU! Your no better than the bullies you claim to hate. So take a bow. You, over the world wide web, have shown you too are a bully. Congrats. Seriously go see mentor for yourself. It is a beautiful city. People look out for each other. What took place at that high school was a dark period for all who lived there. Those victims will never be forgotten and will forever be in our hearts. We are trying to put these trying times behind us and I believe I speak for all the students of Mentor High, leave us alone. The students love their teachers, administrators, and their fellow students. The school is taking the proper steps to move forward so I believe that is fair that you and others, including the media, let the school be. I understand your intentions but maybe you should take a step back, and really learn what the students of Mentor High are like. I know you will have a different mind set on the direction of the school if you did. Thank you for your time.

beckyblanton

I didn't single anyone out. I responded to the person who attacked and engaged me. I wish you had been so quick to defend those four dead teens. Where were all these caring, loving people for four years when the bullies reigned? You think because you act after the fact you can erase what happened to those students? You can't. They're gone. Whatever contributions they would have made, whatever lives they would have impacted will never know them. The lesson is that you CAN NOT EVER "leave it behind." The lesson is that actions have consequences. You can't bury your mistakes under the rug like you could before the internet. Your students need to learn that. Bullies don't just hurt their victim. They hurt their community. They hurt strangers. They hurt friends and parents. The students of Mentor may be wonderful now, but look what it took for Mentor, Ohio to act. Why did it take four years and four deaths for the school board to act?

And - chances are that the families will win their lawsuit because the courts want to make an example of someone and Mentor fills the bill. You had students attend a funeral for one of the victims and LAUGH at her body??? How sick is that?

The tragedy behind bullies and bullying is that its effects last a lifetime. My guess is you'll have all your citizens and students come here to attack and bully me to get me to shut up. That's evidence of the kind of approach your schools are taking I'm sure. NO ONE has said, "We're sorry." No one has said, "We were wrong. We're sorry. We're working on it, but you're right. Mentor dropped the ball." It reminds me of Bill Clinton saying, "I did not have sex with that woman." You're saying, "That was the past. We don't do that now so shut-up about it already."

YouDontKNOWTHEFACTS

THERE WERE CARING PEOPLE IN THOSE CHILDRENS LIVES!
I have a suicidal friend who has never been bullied in her life. She has bipolar disease, a horrible family life, but I assure you there are plenty of people who LOVE HER. Bullying is not the only factor, or is it (in most cases [according to expert counselors]) the biggest factor of suicide. You honestly can not be sitting there telling me that you think NO ONE cared about these kids or told them they loved them.

I have talked my friend out of suicide 2 or 3 times and told her family if she told me she has done something harmful to herself so they can get her to the hospital.
You DO NOT know all things that happened except for that kids laughed at Sladjanas wake just because it was in the news article. And the people who wrote those articles do not know the complete story either.

WE DID NOT APPROVE OF THEM LAUGHING AT HER WAKE! YOU DO NOT KNOW WHAT WENT ON! STOP PRETENDING YOU DO!

beckyblanton

Then TELL your story. Tell people what happened. "No comment" does no one any good. TELL your story. Remaining silent, declining to talk to the media - TELL us what happened. Tell us who laughed.

Mental illness is one factor in suicide, but bullying has shown time and time and time again to be a triggering effect. The parents are suing because they believe they can show a history of bullying and a history of the school board not doing anything. And - their lawyer believes there's a history too or he/she wouldn't take on the case.

I'm sure people loved them, but apparently friends didn't step up and object or protect them or go with them to the school board when they and their parents complained. I've covered school boards for 20+ years and have NEVER seen a proactive board. If the school board did all they could - it will come out in the trial. If you all were such good friends of the victims, tell me - are you willing to testify? Are you willing to say, "Yes they were bullied and I didn't do anything?" Tell us the complete story. We're waiting. Clear it up. Tell us what their friends did or said. Tell us what other parents joined the victim's families in going to the school board or officials. Did anyone do anything? Tell us. Did anyone fight back? Did anyone else report it? Or did everyone simply shrug and assume it was no big deal? Did anyone speak up at the funeral or kick the bullies out of the funeral? Did any parents say, "STOP! Your bullying resulted in this child's death and I am not going to stand here and listen to you laugh at this child. Get out!!" Did anyone DO or SAY anything? Or was it all after the fact. It takes courage to stand up in the moment. It takes courage to say, "I'm sorry I didn't do more, say more or stop it when I had the chance."

YouDontUnderstand

You cannot claim that our suicides are "annual" because one hasn't happened in two years. You weren't there, you don't know what it was like. The day Eric Mohat died the school was silent, all day. No one laughed. No one yelled. When Meredith died a few weeks later it was even worse. I can remember seeing the girls push around Sladjana and say those awful things to her. I saw many different people, including myself, tell those girls to shut up. I remember helping Sladjana pick up her books after one of the girls had pushed her, I told her that they were just jealous that she was prettier than them and she should ignore them and tell someone what was going on. Yes, those girls were sick and disgusting and deserve to be punished, but they've graduated now. there is nothing the school system could do even if they wanted to. We have many anti-bullying programs and after school activities and multiple resources for kids to go get help. But you can't force someone to get help if they don't want it. Sladjana's family told the school what was going on and they watched those girls more closely. they couldn't do anything unless they caught the girls, and in a school of 4,000 its hard for the teachers, police, and security guards to see everything. I don't know how big your high school was, but it's hard for people who went to a smaller school to comprehend how crowded it is in our school. The media attention really isn't doing any good. it's just adding to people's pain. I know that the families of these kids suffer the most, but their friends suffer too. Those families have every right to sue the school, but taking the story to the today show was just plain wrong.

beckyblanton

Why was taking their story to the Today Show wrong? They are in pain - deep, deep pain. They will always be in pain. They will never see their child graduate, or grow up, or grow old. They will never walk their child down the aisle or see them married, or in love or happy. They will never get to take them to move into their college dorm, or their first apartment. They will never know their child's children. They will never ever again celebrate a holiday, hold their hand, laugh, cry, walk, or share a minute of emotion with their child. Their own lives will be dimmed with mourning and grief. YOU will move on, but they cannot. Why? Because there was no need for this senseless death.

If YOU or your child, sister, brother, spouse were killed in a Columbine type shooting how you feel if someone said, "Just get over it. Move on. You shouldn't have taken it to the Today Show"? If you are fortunate enough to live a life without being shot, raped, mugged, brutalized, paralyzed in a car crash by a driver who is DUI - you will never understand the pain of having someone destroy your life when all you were doing was going about your business.

Name the girls that pushed Sladjana around, or the ones who laughed at her funeral. You DO know that their names WILL come out in the lawsuit and in court right? They will be punished. Once the families win their case against the school board they will sue the girls and their families in civil court. Will you stand up for the families then? Will you? Will you have the backbone to stand up and say, "Yes, this is the girl(s) who bullied Sladjana." No. You'll say, "I don't want to get involved. Let's just bury this. Let's focus on the happy happy stuff."

The best thing you could do for the families of the victims is to be there for them NOW - when they need to have witnesses say, "YES!! these children WERE bullied and no one did anything." Can you do that?

I don't think you can. And until you can, nothing will change.

Mentor Mom

You have made up your mind that everyone in Mentor is evil. You do not know who reached out to these kids while they were alive or to their families after their deaths. You just assume that no one did, because you seem to derive some satisfaction from sitting in judgment over people you've never met. You refuse to recognize that suicide is a complex problem with many contributing factors. You have ignored the fact that no one who is a current Mentor High student was even there when Eric Mohat was, and the current juniors and seniors had been there as sophomores and freshman only a month with Sladjana Vidovic (in the fall of 2008, MHS switched from being grades 10-12 to being grades 9-12).

beckyblanton

I don't have to "make up my mind." The sheer number of attacks from Mentor on me speaks volumes. No wonder those kids killed themselves and no wonder the families are suing.

Ryan Rapini

Congratulations - you have joined the masses as yet another overzealous blogger, victim to the sensationalized and dramatized media coverage of this tragedy.

I was a student at Mentor High for three years, and have been in the Mentor School System all my life. In elementary school, aside from the usual moderation of the staff, we had "safety patrol", and "conflict managers", two groups of students who helped fight bullying. At the Junior High level, I played an active role in a group called "Student Ambassadors", an active committee of students dedicated to stopping bullying at our school. We had shirts. We had meetings. We held events. We raised awareness. We patrolled the halls. We cared.

The suicides happened when i was still in junior high, the victims the high school. Everyone mourned. The entire school was shell shocked and confused. People who had never known of these kids cried openly. I still remember, however, how well the administration handled the trajedy. There was a grief counselor in the library. The principle delivered a thoughtful and powerful message over the PA. There were speeches made by tearful teachers in many of my classes. We were moved. The bullying program already in place was stepped up to a new level. New events, new programs sprung into place. This was taken seriously.

Fast forward to high school years. Give A Hand Take a Hand emerged, a student based group to provide support to those in need. A Suicide Prevention counselor works at the school full time now, her office is open. Upcoming freshman have had their study hall replaced with a program lecturing on better study habits, introducing the students to the administration, and bullying prevention. Programs exist, programs have existed since before any of this happened. This is not an event which occured unresisted.

Did the media report on any of this? I think not. Did the media mention that the only reason these suicides (all of which happened years ago, the oldest was when i, currently in college, was in 9th grade) have only been brought to the surface again because lawsuits have been sparked by them? Lawsuits of parents, who somehow believe that suing the already fiscally strained school district will somehow bring about an improvement, that monetary compensations could make up for the loss of a child, that they may pin the blame for the death of their child on one thing, one event, one time, one place...

You imply in your article that we did not mourn; that we did not feel pain, that we did not have compassion. This is a sickening accusation, yet you foist it against an entire city with ease. Condemning us from afar, without proper information or frame of reference. The media incited you with their cries of pure evil, and you blindly agreed to follow the mob. How can you say we did not fight the bullying? How can you say we have not responded, that we do not care, that we do not feel pain? How can you say that the tears we shed were not heartfelt, that the compassion we extended was not there, that the effort we put forth was not real...

Who are you to condemn us all?

THIS is a wake up call. This event passed long ago. Those wounds have healed, slowly. We moved on. We made changes. We reached out. Now we find the wounds torn open anew, by a million armchair critics far removed from our community, with their misguided opinions and their ignorant rage. Your words are powerful and well intended, but they are unfounded and unnecessary. Your concerns are unfounded.

Perhaps your time and energy would be better spent reaching out within your own community, where it will actually have an impact. Thank you, and have a nice day.

Mentor <3

What makes you think you know Mentor High School?
We have many bullying programs intact, and our counselors are the nicest people I've ever met.

These events happened 2-4 years ago and mostly every student in those students grades have graduated. So don't tell us it's a wake up call. We didn't just say, "ah, well" and keep living. People mourned for those kids endlessly and all this media attention is doing is bringing back the pain for the loved ones of those students.

We are the number 37th greatest city in the country, and we deserve every bit of it.
I invite you to come to Mentor to see what it is like here.

beckyblanton

Bullying is epidemic in this country and getting worse. I doubt if the parents of the kids who killed themselves are comforted much by people who mourned their child's death. Did anyone ever discipline the bullies? Were they ever held accountable for their bullying? The parent's of the teenagers, and the families and spouses of the teachers who were killed at Columbine High School were victims of bullies. Mentor Ohio and all the programs you're talking about are victims of these bullies. If what you say is true, then Mentor is letting a handful of mentally ill, anti-social teenagers ruin the city's reputation. YOU are being bullied by what? 20 or 30 unhappy, hateful teenagers? If an entire city, and the school board, and the parents of these bullies are able to continue to affect your city maybe someone needs to ramp up the penalties for bullying. You have some SICKO SICKO teens there. According to the media:

"The family watched, she said, as the girls who had tormented Sladjana for months walked up to the casket - and laughed.

"They were laughing at the way she looked," Suzana says, crying. "Even though she died."

Maybe throwing some of those teens in juvenile detention, or the local psych ward, might help. Has anyone done ANYTHING to punish those involved?