I’ve been reading and rereading Dr. Henry Cloud’s book Necessary Endings: The Employees, Businesses, and Relationships That All of Us Have to Give Up in Order to Move Forward. If you know me you know I am an avid and passionate Henry Cloud fan and LOVE all his books.

This particular book is about “Endings,” what they are, how we navigate them, why we avoid them. It’s about what we can learn from ending the jobs, the relationships and the projects and dreams that all of us have to give up in order to move forward. It is amazing stuff - as usual! Near the end of the book Cloud talks about people who are business hoarders. They hang onto things, a business division, employees, managers, resources etc. that aren’t serving them, but to whom they can’t bear to part with. It really shook me to realize that I may not have a big business, but I am a project and people hoarder. I hang onto dozens of projects and many friendships or past friendships because the thought of giving them up is painful.

In a way I share the same disorder of several friends who are serious stuff hoarders. They will spend money they really don’t have to spend to acquire other people’s junk. They don’t use the stuff they buy at yard sales or auctions. They put it in their garage or house or yard or even rent storage units when their own homes are full to capacity. They can’t get to the bathroom or kitchen and often sleep on a couch because the bed is covered with “stuff.” They hang onto things that no longer serve them, that have no purpose, that merely occupy space. They will hold onto something saying, “just in case I might need it” even if they haven’t needed it for more than 20 years, or couldn’t find it if they did need it. They won’t let friends into their homes and are deeply embarrassed by their condition, but refuse to seek treatment for it.

I may not collect stuff, but I have projects, people and promises piling up in my mind and file cabinets like they have stuff piling up in their homes! I say “No,” to things because _____ might call and need my help; or I send out a periodic email to several friends who started ebook projects with me but who have become distracted or bored. I am spending time/money holding onto something that has no value for either of us now. Time to let it go.

Hoarders often collect things like empty drink cups, wrappers from microwave meals they’ve had. For some unfathomable reason they can’t get rid of anything without experiencing severe emotional distress. They are often even reluctant or unable to return stuff they have borrowed from others! It’s not that they use the stuff - it’s that they can’t dispose of it. Like most people who experience hoarders, I am both fascinated and distressed by the life they lead. Outside of their home, in a work situation etc. they appear totally normal. They are administrative assistants, teachers, bankers, attorneys and even one who is a “professional organizer.” As Cloud says in his book, Necessary Endings: The Employees, Businesses, and Relationships That All of Us Have to Give Up in Order to Move Forward, hoarders have one of two thoughts or responses to why they hoard - “I might need that,” or “I might miss that.” Both, Cloud says, are “medicating thoughts.”

“Medicating thoughts numb the anxiety that comes with making a decision to part with something they are attached to.” - Henry Cloud

The book made me painfully aware of the fact that I cling to relationships (business and professional) that no longer serve me, but to whom I’m emotionally attached. Just like a hoarder clings to her collection of used diapers from her now 30-something-year-old son I am reluctant to clear the poopy-diaper clutter of people, projects and regrets out of my life.

When I was 34 I looked up from a stack of Christmas cards I was sending out and realized that I had just spent more than $200 on stamps, cards and envelopes and wouldn’t be able to pay my rent that month because I felt compelled to “keep up” with all these people - many of whom I had no real relationship with! Out of the 150+ cards I sent out that year I think I received maybe 20 cards in return, none of them with personal notes - many with only a pre-printed signature! The following year I guiltily sent out cards to those 20. The year after that I stopped sending cards all together. The world did not end and on one called to complain! The shame and pain of not “keeping up my hoarded relationships” was all in my mind!

Now I send holiday cards to maybe five people a year. I hand pick or even hand craft the cards and I send them when I want to - not just because it’s Christmas and not out of obligation. I do send thank you cards because I do express gratitude!

The cards and postcards I send I send because the people I send them to matter. I don’t send them just because I feel compelled to stay in touch or because it’s expected. I send them because I’m thinking of the person, or because I care, or because I just enjoy the card and want to share it! It’s not always received well or in the intent it was sent - someone I sent three post cards to last summer in the two weeks I was on the road reacted angrily - saying it was “too much.” So I merrily crossed them off my list and out of my life and am the happier for it - not something I could have done a few years ago, but am relieved to do now. My time matters to me now and I don’t want to share it with poopy-diapers!

Letting go of the annual or even obligatory card ritual at that time was more freeing than anything I’ve ever done in my life. It’s time to revisit that practice. Thinking back on that this month I decided to examine my relationships and see if I was people and project hoarding in other areas of my life. I am! What relationships and “friends,” I asked, are a drain on me - not because THEY are leeches, but because I have tucked the relationship away believing that one day I may need it? What relationships have I clung to thinking that the person may change, may get help, or may grow up or get their act together? Who have I stayed in touch with because I believe that person will suddenly and miraculously become trustworthy after years of lying to me?! What relationships and projects am I avoiding ending because by saying good-bye to it I will miss it too much? Wow. More than I thought!

There’s the old boyfriend/fiancee I haven’t heard from in 30-years who slapped me during an argument. He was telling me about his decision that I would drop out of school and stay home and be barefoot and pregnant after I first worked to put him through school. I interrupted his pipe dream with a laugh and a remark that hell would freeze over first before I put his ass through school and got screwed like my mother did. His reaction was to hit me. My reaction was to break the engagement and leave. Yet, I kept thinking he’d realize one day what a jerk he was and would email and apologize. Not going to happen. Twenty years ago I heard from a mutual friend that he beat his wife and six kids, so why do I let him stay rent free in my thoughts - even in a small corner in my brain? No more!

There are the “fair weather friends” who only call, email or contact me when they need or want something or suspect I may be on the verge of fame and fortune and who dial in to check on what they think will be their sugar-momma friend one day. I just tossed the whole worthless lot of them to the curb. They are never going to be real friends and since there’s a glut of shallow people on the market I’m sure I can pick up a dozen more flaky losers anywhere if I ever really decide I need them.

There are the two or three alcoholics in my life, former friends and co-workers or lovers who are friendly enough when I run into them out and about, but who have no desire to quit drinking or to quit lying about it and everything else to me. I love them, but I am not going to keep putting energy in their direction. There are far more people who would welcome the attention and caring. The medicating thought I had about them was, “What if they decide to get sober and need me? What if they get healthy and I’m not there to be their friend?” Well hell - if that happens they know where to find me - but chances are really good they’re not going to come looking and that even if they went into treatment today it would years before the trust could begin. Besides, it’s not my job to worry about them. If they want my help they’ll ask. Meanwhile there are sober recovering people who want to be my friend NOW!

So, I’m going down the list and being pretty methodical about it. Being a recovering, co-dependent rescuer to begin with, this whole thing made me feel kind of panicky at first, but it’s getting easier as I go along. It’s a lot like that Christmas card list. I can eliminate the majority of people in my life that I have tucked away and keep putting energy and thought into for no real reason. It’s not about if they’ll “be of use to me,” someday. It’s about whether or not there’s a real relationship there. There are plenty of people I’m keeping who will never be able to contribute skills, money, etc. to my life, but they are caring, loving, generous and amazing people who inspire me and I want to keep up with them. There are people who have given me much more than I have given - but who did so out of selfish and self-serving reasons while trying to “buy” my attention and affection. Them I’m tossing too.

Once my “relationship rooms” are cleared and cleaned and organized I may have to go through them a few more times to ensure I’m only keeping the people and relationships that truly matter. That’s okay. It’s worth it. There will be room for so many more that way - relationships and people that bring true joy to me - and not just a feeling of obligatory reciprocity.

How about you? Are you a people hoarder? Do you hang onto projects, dreams and things that you know you’ll never get back to - but still tell yourself, “I might need this,” or “I might miss this.” If you are - read Dr. Cloud’s book. And then start cleaning house. If really does feel a lot better when the clutter is gone!