We train people how we want to be treated. If we train them the wrong way, or train them to do the wrong thing, we can spend a lot of time UNtraining them and then retraining them. It is NOT their fault. It is OURS. People want to please other people (mostly) and they will respond to cues that tell them they’re doing that even if the cue from you ISN’T what you though it was! When your kids learn that they can get more stuff from one parent than the other, guess who gets asked for more stuff?

When your boss knows you’ll cave and work holidays and weekends, guess what? You’ll work holidays and weekends. You are sending the message it’s OKAY to treat you like that because you’re NOT objecting to it really, and you’re not NOT doing it. Why wouldn’t people assume you are okay with being a doormat if you act like one?

Retraining employers, family and friends is a bitch. But it’s our own fault if we have to do it. Clients come and go and you can generally retrain them simply by instilling *new policies* that tell them things are different.

My philosophy is: It’s always better to kill the roaches at the door than burn down the house trying to get rid of them once they’re inside.

After receiving a couple of *urgent* requests today from friends who are baffled by the fact that I’m not sitting on a shelf waiting for them to have a crisis, and then trying to guilt or shame me into helping them solve it TODAY, it’s obvious I’ve failed to train people how to treat me.

So, I’ve acknowledged I screwed up and now I’m letting you in on how you can prevent yourself from following my bad example:

Clues that You’ve Trained People Wrong

• You stay pissed off at friends and clients who keep asking you to do things that annoy you. Obviously you haven’t stated your boundaries clearly enough, or they’re ignoring them because you’ve never enforced your boundaries.

• You never follow through on consequences. If people call at an ungodly hour and you don’t hang up on them immediately, eg “If you call me at 3 a.m. just to talk, and not because you’re stranded in bum-f**k with a flat tire and it’s AN EMERGENCY, I’ll hang up on you.” It’s all on you buddy - not on your friends. This includes drunk dialing calls. If you’re willing to give 15-30 minutes of free advice, then charge for anything over that, then make that absolutely clear and then SEND AN INVOICE. If you say, “I’ll help you for 30 minutes and then charge you,” and then you NEVER send them an invoice, no wonder they talk for two hours. It’s free right? You just trained them that it was!

• People get pissed or annoyed at you when you say “No,” or “Not today.” Obviously they’re NOT used to hearing the word “No,” and they should be or it wouldn’t cause them to react like they are. Well-trained clients and friends hear the word “No,” or “Not today,” or “Can’t help you with that this time,” and they nod, smile, thank you and find someone else to help them. They don’t question your priorities, shame you or try to guilt you into a change of mind.

• You find yourself becoming overwhelmed, feeling passive aggressive, or just depressed. Most of us get depressed when we feel helpless or like we don’t have control. If you’re letting other people determine your schedule and priorities based on how loud they scream, or how desperate their problem is and not on what is best for YOU, then chances are very good you’re out of control, and thus moving quickly towards depression and passive aggressive manipulation of the situation - eg, not finishing the project on time (there, that will show them!!!)

• You don’t have a contract to refer them to. Football, baseball, basketball, soccer, even chess and checker and Chutes and Ladders all have ONE thing in common - a rulebook. Contracts are the rulebooks that clients and providers play by. They outline what to do and who’s responsible when (A) + (B) - (D) happens. If you don’t have an agreement (in writing) to refer back to, no wonder you’re getting all kinds of requests and expectations you weren’t expecting. Put it in writing. If they don’t want to play that way, then don’t play - or be prepared to play with the consequences.

HOW to Train Clients and Friends

Set your boundaries. Determine what you need to do, get or have to make YOUR life work. For me, that’s having a schedule. Without one, I get NOTHING done. Beginning at 5:30 a.m., my morning priorities are:

• Kefir shake, water and supplements as soon as I get up.
• Gym time (60 minutes to 2 hours depending on the day of the week) and shower
• Walk the dog
• Protein shake immediately upon returning to the office or home.
• Nap (Have to have it or my Fibromyalgia and Chronic Fatigue beats my butt all day long)
• Devotions (that’s meditation time for non-Christians - gets you centered and on track)
• Email and phone calls
• 500 words or 1 hour of design work on my book, shooting photos of my garden etc.
• Client work or marketing, emailing potential clients etc./working on various projects I have scheduled
• Lunch/snack/dinner etc. as the day unfolds
• Social media time or a movie
• Devotions again to unwind from the stress of the day
• Shower
• Bedtime [I don't have a lot of wiggle room for unexpected projects, long chatty phone calls or lunch dates unless I plan for them. Because my core client/marketing time is only about 3 to 5 hours a day - sometimes less or zero if the Fibro kicks in I have to have a schedule. I schedule around my energy (which is getting better) but my 12 hour days of pedal-to-the-metal-burning-the-candle-at-both-ends-and-in-the-middle are gone. There are good energy days I work 8 - 20 hours flat out, but that's pushing it and I pay dearly for it the next three days.]

• Enforce Your Boundaries. It’s not a boundary if there’s not a consequence. A “consequence” is not punishment. It’s what happens as a result of a decision or act. If someone calls during the afternoon and I’ve told them I will answer the phone, but can’t talk if it’s not an emergency, then once I determine it’s not an emergency I hang up, or if it’s a frequent violator I don’t answer at all. Too bad for them if it IS an emergency!

• Establish the Ground Rules. Have a contract with clients about your time frame, deadlines, cost and expectations upfront. I’ve neglected this in the past thinking a *friendly* client meant a reasonable one. Usually a friendly client who wasn’t a friend before, just wants to be your friend so they can get work for free or at a discount. Good fences make good neighbors. A friendly client will still be friendly if you have a contract. Think of a contract as a flashlight to scare away the roaches. When you flash it, the roaches will run.

• Learn to Say “No,” or “Not this time.” The ONLY way to keep people from taking your time, energy, resources and good will when you don’t want to give it up, is to say “no.” It feels harder than it really is. You’ll get better with practice. Trust me. I did.

• Establish your priorities and honor them. See number one above. I’m a work in progress and still working on keeping my priorities golden - unsullied with the demands of others. I come first. If I can’t work, am not rested, not happy, not feeling generous because I have something to give - then I can’t give. You can’t either. Take care of Number One FIRST, then you’ll have the strength, money, time and resources to take care of those you love. You can help people with their burdens, but you can’t do the heavy lifting or carry their packs for them.

The people, clients, friends and family who understand healthy relationships will *get* it. The ones who don’t, won’t. You don’t want to associate with them anyway. So if they bail or leave - good riddance. You’re the one who counts and don’t forget it.